Happy for once

Had a great day today ladies and gentlemen. My brother, out of the blue, came to visit me at school and took me to my favorite restaurant and bought me new chuck taylors. I love when the little things make me happy.

And to top it off, i'm talking to that special someone.

All cozy in my jammies with basically nothing to do, what a way to end the day, finally a little stress free, can't wait for spring break!!!

It's Been Awhile

I haven't written a blog in forever now, and i know no one reads this but for some reason its soothing to write all my thoughts out, as if its a diary of some sort. Well since last time my life has gotten even more complicated and stressful, or it would seem that way through my eyes. But isn't the life of a poor college student always stressful?

Mines is stressful to the point that I'm actually starting to lose my hair, or maybe I'm stressing out too much. People always say 'Stop stressing' If it were that easy, if I was able to tell my body 'dude stop stressing' I would with a quickness, I mean who wants to lose their hair? ever? but i think I'm making it work, hiding the back from everyone, I hope I hope I have them fooled.

Well I decided to write this entry before my class for the day. I had three finals this week and I'm pretty sure i failed and am gong to fail all of them. It's just that my mind has been all over the place. Mostly with confusion of some sort. Even sitting in complete silence trying to figure things out doesn't work anymore. And people aren't helping with my stress when they bring up things that cause me stress.

I've been sleeping a lot less, going to bed really late and waking up early to the point that i have to drag myself out of bed, and make an effort to care about the classes I have to go to. It's difficult to act as if you care, especially if you're trying to fool yourself. Like I have to tell myself over and over again that this is actually important and that I have to pay attention, take notes and study.

Have you ever had a moment where you've taken so much that you just want to drop down in a corner, rock back and forth until it all goes away? I have, it was my yesterday actually. If i had to take another test yesterday, after the two I had already taken, I would just collapse. Not a good thing at all. But as the saying goes 'Today's a new day'. It's kinda funny actually, yesterday me and my friend were talking about the saying 'life sucks and then you die' like nothing really good happens, it just sucks, sucks some more, and then the end comes and you die. Or the extent of the suckiness is what causes your death. Then we continued to say that the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off because we couldn't keep up with the bill because we had to pay for college, or that it was a dim flicker. But it's very true, life does suck and then you proceed to die, and the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off for me because I couldn't keep up with payments. That's how I see, there's not really much to look forward to you know? unless like me the little unimportant things excite you, like going home and making a new dish, wearing your favorite shirt, seeing your dog after a long day, getting your hair done, talking to that special someone. But after awhile will that be enough?

Well wish me luck on this test, and pray to God in heaven that I pass all my classes, Bye!

Well since you already made up your mind for me....

Can life get any more complicated? yea ok my dilemma is not that grand or anything but it's still causing a constant battle within me. I want a boyfriend just as much as the next girl, but the fact that I keep turnig down guys doesn't really help my cause.
There are three guys that are causing me a great deal of confusion in my already confusing life.

Guy1: Knew him since 8th grade, really sweet, we have a lot in common, gets me, and very attractive. Only see's me as a friend(the last time I checked).

Guy2: I met him when I moved to another state, after a few months he told me he liked me. He's pretty cool, hard to understand, can have a fun verbal spare, and seems to really like me. Not very attractive, and not what I am looking for in a guy.

Guy3: He is a big teddy bear, he is adorable, funny, really cool person to hang out with, and very out going.

I find myself thinking about Guy1 a lot, even though my pessimistic side tells me to get over it and take my chances with Guy2 because as of right now he seems sincere. Plus my sisters like him for me, and keep telling me we would be adorable together and that I should give him a chance. But I'm afraid that during that relationship I might meet someone who meets all the credentials I want in a guy. And Guy3 three meets not one credential but he's so cool and fun to hang out with even in the little time that I met him. And my other sister likes him for me and she also thinnks we look good together and agrees hes a big teddy bear. And the words of my sisters telling me everyday who I should pick really makes me think I should settle for something not near what I want to be 'happy'. But I can't make a boy go through that, It happened once and I vowed never to do that again.

So from day to day all three run in my head, one more so then the others, and it's racking my brain so I thought if I just let it out I'll get a peace of mind and at least some rest....hopefully.

Love At First Sight

I've heard this almost every where; in movies, books, and in real life. And when people say it I can't help but laugh.
'From the first time I saw you (insert name here) I knew I was in love'
Really? Is that even possible?
In my opinion there is no such thing as love at first sight. But there is such a thing as Lust at first sight. When you first see a person what do you notice? their hair, their eyes, their lips, their body. When you walk into a bar you don't turn to your friend and say 'hey look at the personality on that guy!' No! its more like 'Hey check out the hot guy standing at the bar'
Love at first sight doesn't exist. People usually fall in love once they get to know the person, see their personality and what they like about it, and how they make them feel when their with them. You can't get all that from a glance. And that's why some movies have it right. There's that geek boy who is infatuated with the popular girl in school and when he finally gets his date with her he sees her for who she really is and changes his mind.
Love at first sight seems like a sweet thing when you think about it, but then you realize the true way of deciphering it. But hey maybe I'm wrong and when people say it they do mean it.

Taking the low road and then a detour

I've never encountered something like I did earlier this week. Usually you see racism on the streets, I've seen it in stores where I would be followed until I give up and just leave the store or be continuously asked if i need help when I'm clearly capable of figuring out if I want a t-shirt that says 'Peace and Love' or one that says 'Rock Star' on it.
A couple of days ago I asked a question on YA (yahoo answers), it was a harmless question, all I asked was 'Do you randomly IM people?'. Now I asked this because on YA if you reach a certain level your yahoo aim address is shown for people to see. And I have recieved many random IM's. So I just thought it wold be an ok question to ask, kind of like a poll.
So later on that day I was checking my yahoo mail and a random IM popped up. And I'm not a mean person, if someone wants to talk I'll talk, I like meeting new people (which is a new depvelopment for me). So this guy, I forget his name now, he IM's me, and he seems pretty cool, and he was kind of flirtatious. Anyways were talking and learning a little bit about each other when I ask him what natonality he is (it doesn't really matter to me, I was just trying to get to know the guy) he says Italian, and I tell him I'm Haitian. Once he gets wind that I'm actually black he goes to say black skin is a turn off. Now at this moment I'm mad because that is an insult to me. But instead of rashing him I just say it's whatever everyone has their own prefrences (I have my own as well, but hey a guy is a guy to me). So I say bye, and then he says a comment that enrages me, so I go on a whirlwind of curse words and insults and basically tear him a new one. I could tell by the last few words he said he felt defeated and he said bye and signed off.
Now some people would say 'You go girl!' or 'He got what he deserved!' but by the end of the conversation I felt terrible. Instead of taking the high road (which was my intended plan) I stooped to his level, which didn't make me a better person, but made me just like him. In that ten minutes after the conversation ended my conscious was eating at me. Not only did I seem childish but I seemed racist with the few choice words that I said to him. And thats not me, I am not a racist and I never use swears to prove a point, I try to use the words that I learned in SAT prep not to long ago.
I felt like I should do something, something that would set things right in my heart and head. So I decided to write him a well thought out letter saying how the way he approached me was rude and that I shouldn't have said the choice words as I had because it made me seem like the type of person I am not, and that I wasn't writing the letter to get in his good graces (because he was being an ass nonetheless). I don't know if the guy read that letter, in fact I really don't care, I just had to get it off of my chest.
I have met some really nice white guys, some were really sweet and some were really good friends to me, but meeting that one guy almost made me change my mind about all of them. But I realized that all those guys that I knew had grown up and changed their views and this guy was just stuck in the stone age.

The 'ONE'

Is there actually such a thing? Like people spend their lives looking for the 'one' and only person who will make them happy. Men and Women alike. but then everything gets so misconstrued. people start to think the 'ONE' is a tall dark and handsome man, with millions, great hair, and a body to match. but then when we think like this the people who actually exist in the world get looked over and ignored. yes there are the few people who actually are tall dark and handsome, with a great body with millions, but my theory is that they found the hot girls and are married to them now and live on their private islands.

I use to be a hopeless romantic, I'd sit down with my diary for days writing how my husband would be the best guy, how he would do these sweet things, and how we could never be separated. But then after those childish years left me and I began to see reality, I realized that that might just never happen. There are those people that settle, or make mistakes and marry the wrong person. That reminds me of that movie again 'he's just not that into you' (yea i think it's stuck in my head). During one scene these two girls are talking about how one of them met this married man and that he's the perfect guy for her. and her friend decides to offer her a few 'words of wisdom' she says to her friend who she turns into a home wrecker that 'what if you get married and then you find your soul mate later?'

and that made me think. the amount of people that cheat in America did they just find their soul mate? haha no that's giving them to much credit. some do it just for the jollys.

but really what if you settle or make a mistake and then the 'ONE' pops out of thin air and swoops you off your feet??

but any ways back to reality, i beleive the 'one' does not exist, or is that me just being a pessimist/realist (which I very much am). but come on, who can believe that there is a certain person out there, just ONE person God has created just for you? if i have one he has obviously lost his way and is not asking for directions. so for now i'll be the one doing the leg work and people watching looking for a guy that resembles the one until he finds his way to me (if he exists).

The Turn Down

Have you ever had a time when you noticed your friend liked you more than a friend?

I have but it was me the one doing the liking. I have recently watched 'he's just not that into you' and it has been racking my brain for the longest. one thing is, one of the male characters said 'if a guy likes you he will make it happen'. and in the past lets just say none of them have made it happen.

But I have a friend, I knew him in High school. we were not that close. we talked a few time but nothing serious. I did not find him attractive at all, but we would still flirt some times. I think things may have gotten lost in translation. Just recently he's been facebooking me and stuff, saying how we don't hang out, and i'm like pick a day and we can. I've been home for a couple of months now and nothing. then just when I am about to leave he tries to set a date. and like everything he's saying to me is no longer the friend type, but romantic interest type. I play these things aloof all the time, and it has really helped me.

so the movie quote popped up in my head: 'if he likes you he'll make it happen', and so far he has been trying really hard to make it happen. texting me, facebooking me, just to see if i can go to the movies with him. I tried to turn him down in the nicest way by saying I can't go I am broke as heck so theres no way for me to take a bus or a train or see the movie. then he opts to pay the whole thing. Who doesn't like free things?! i sure as hell do, but not when they come with something like that behinde it. it feels weird to drag someone along and I wouldn't do that to anyone because i wouldn't want it to be done to me. so here I am, stuck in a jam trying to get out of this sticky situation when TA DA! it comes to me. he had said to meet him at ruggles and he'll pay the rest of the way, so i took that and ran with it. I told him I have no means of getting to ruggles because i have no money. problem solved, and no awkward incounter for me. but i'm left here feeling like crap. did i give him the run around? did i make him think i liked him? did i leave someone hurt? he is a cool person, a real sweet heart, but i've seen him as a friend for four years.

That makes me wonder...the guy i like who i've known for 5 years...does he see me like that? and will i have a chance with him??? well thats another entry...